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 Gems from the Newsgroup |
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Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country and Western Musicians from Ertugrul iNANC Date: Thu, 3 May 2001 Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians: Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels. Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps. Relative Minor -- A girlfriend. Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players. Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle." Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you. Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but... Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see. Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?" Tempo -- Good choice for a used car. A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses. Cut Time -- Parole. Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues. Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low. Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road. Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes. Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year. Clef -- What you try never to fall off of. Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Doritos." Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling. Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing son. 12-Tone Scale -- The thing the state police weigh your tractor-trailer truck with. Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul. Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever. Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo. Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone. Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when. French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m. Cymbal -- What they use on deer crossing signs so you know what to sight in your pistol. First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy. Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home. Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's apple pie. Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
From Warren Porter
fermata - what happens to grape juice when it turns into wine Bass - fish that you catch with a lure. coda- something you talk in when you don't want others to know what you're saying. Andante - one of them Eye-talian sports cars. subito piano - a piano made in Japan Allegro - the new medicine my Doctor gave me for my sinus problem. Acapella --- That town in mexico whar folks sing without no gitfiddles! Vivace--that Italian that wrote the Four Seasons and all those other concertoes Concertina--Tina Du Bois, the famous pianist Slur--how you talk after too long at the honkytonk Pizzicato--part of a Papa John's restaurant Fugue--chocolatey desert I Solisti Veneti--weather vane for the sun, not the wind Berliner Philharmoniker--Philip's mouth organ Concertgebouw--what a musician does afterwards opera--that talk show host from Chicago...doesn't like beef Handel--how you hold the jug Haydn--runnin' from the revenuers ballet--what them folks in Florida cain't figger out Beat- how you feel after you've been out plowing all day Baritone- what we done to ol' Tony our watch dog, after he got run over by that tractor musical scales- them annoying scales that make music, treble - what yore gonna be in if'n you trespass on my property! oboe - you know, that joint in d'middle of yore arm tuba - a tube of this or that; tuba toothpaste, tuba biscuits euphonium - telling somebody to call a male. ex. I ain't a callin' yore deadbeat brother. Euphonium! piccolo - gathering things that grow near the ground. ex. You cain't pick them berries like you do apples. You hafta piccolo! half-step: how you walk when you're drunk Soprano- a famous Eye-talian movie star...Soprano
-- pizzicato - A violinist with a couple of bottles of wine inside him sotto voce - a drunk, singing al gore - former second fiddle - no brass Obbligato - being forced to practice Rit. and/or Rall - coming up to the bit you HAVEN'T practiced Largo - brewed in Germany Rubato - ointment for the musician's back Quaver - feeling before a lesson when you haven't practiced Flats - English apartments Trill - bird food Subdominant - "I can't play until I've asked my wife" Andante: Often found with Uncle. Atonal Music: Music with no notes, e.g. John Cage's 4'33" Beat music: As played by policemen. Bossa Nuova: The new Guv'ner. Double Bass: Hind quarters of over weight person. French Horns: Found in pairs on Charolez cows. Hebrides Overture: Refers to role reversal at wedding ceremonies. Larghetto: Part of city where Lager drinkers congregate. Metronome: Little man with a pointed hat found on the Paris Subway. Overture: Head of quality control at a chewing gum factory. Pitch Bend: White lines painted on a football field by a drunken groundsman. Rock Music: As played in the Stone Age. Serial Music: Written to accompany TV commercials for cornflakes. Tuba: An instrument so low that they have to dig 'em out of the ground. Twelve Tone Music: Music printed in a dozen different colours. Violin: A nasty hotel. Top C: Name of a famous soprano. Oboe: A tramp. Fugue: That which occurs in a crowded concert hall with no ventilation and smoking is permitted. Semibreve: All that one can do in the above circumstances. Xylophone: A wooden mobile. Tonic: That which goes with gin. Dominant seventh: Exemplified by " after being happily married on 6 previous occasions, this time he struck unlucky" Bach: Woof! Offenbach: Woof, woof,woof,woof, woof, woof, woof, woof woof, woof, woof ... oboi - expression of delight, as in a small child getting candy moderato - antonym of rocker erato mephistopheles - evil mosquito Faust - had one too many margaritas
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Some (mostly) off topic Howlers from Peanut Jake Date: Mon, 10 Dec 2001 Sixth Graders View Ancient History The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper. 11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. |
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Don't Shoot the Messenger from Fred Nachbaur
Date: Sat, 7th Sep 2002
From my beloved daughter...
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How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb? from Ertugrul iNANC Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb? [Back to Top] [Home]
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