Gems from the Newsgroup and Forum
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A Joke For All of Us from Neeraj Mathur
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1998
I found this on rec.humor.funny, posted by a Brad Donison under the subject heading "A little culture...". I thought some of you might like it.
Cultural differences explained:
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Musician jokes From several sources (but Michele started it...)
Date: mid-October 1998
How many jazz guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
What's the difference between a country guitarist dead in the road & a jazz trombonist
What do you call 2 oboes playing in unison?
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why is a 'cello better than a viola?
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's the difference between a double bass and a coffin?
How long does it take to tune a hammered dulcimer?
What's the best sort of tipper to use to play a bodhran?
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
"To be, or not to be" -Shakespeare
Q. What do you call a girl that thinks only of classical music?
Q. What are the similarities between a violist's fingers and lightning?
Christmas time is here! from Jonathan West
Date: Sun, 15 Nov 1998
That reminds me of a Christmas story about a cymbal . My school was right next door to Norwich Cathedral, and so our Christmas carol service was always held there.
The school, despite supplying boys for the cathedral choir, had just about no other music at all. For the carol service one year, the head of music decided to have a brass group up in the organ loft to accompany some of the carols, in addition to the organ. This used up just about all the instrumentalists in the school. A day or two before the service, he decided also that it would be really nice to have a big clash of cymbals at an appropriate point in one of the carols.
We didn't have any percussion players at all, so the best remaining musician, a cellist, was pressed into service. All went well in rehearsals. However, on the night, he saw & heard a thousand people singing in the nave, and decided that an extra loud cymbal clash would be needed if anyone was going to hear him. He didn't know that cymbals have to be brought together obliquely, and so did a huge clash by ramming them directly towards each other. Inevitably, he turned one of the cymbals inside out!
He was then faced with having to do another clash in the second verse, with an inside-out cymbal. Quickly he put the good one down, put the bad one between his knees and pushed on it for all he was worth. The cymbal snapped back into shape with a tremendous sound BOINK! which could be heard from the back of the cathedral. The brass players all collapsed with laughter, and it was just as well the organist couldn't see us, so he carried on playing.
The cymbal clash for the second verse was quieter!
Christmas time is here! from Carl
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1998
What a great story! I love it.
When I was in college I was a ringer (a person hired to play in a band to strengthen a weak section for a concert or recording) in a community jazz ensemble that was making a recording of a concert they were giving. A trumpet player friend of mine was a ringer also and was sitting behind me on the third riser. At a very quiet part of a very quiet tune he reached for his mute and knocked it over. It rolled across the trumpet section riser, dropped down to the trombone section riser and rolled across, dropped down to the sax section riser and rolled across, dropped to the stage, rolled to the edge, and fell off right in front of the microphone. Came out great on the recording.
Another time I was a ringer in a orchestra. One of the tuba players was a ringer also and we were doing a piece where the tuba had about 350 bars of rest before playing just 2 or 3 notes. He fell asleep and fell off his chair. Fortunately he was not hurt but the tuba suffered a bent bell. Once again the commotion came through loud and clear on the recording.
I'm sure every musician has a story or two like this, anyone else??????
Christmas time is here! from Fred Nachbaur
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1998
I did a recording of a string quartet here in the sleepy town of Nelson. It was their last performance before a planned hiatus (as it turned out, it was their last performance ever because the first violinist died some time thereafter). The venue was wonderful (a basement pub at the old university Student Union Building), I borrowed a wonderful 2-track 15 ips reel-to-reel, and we had PZM microphones on the rafters (these are flat-looking things ideal for ambience-type recordings).
Unfortunetely there were the stage lights on the rafters also... and on balmy summer nights such lights tend to attract moths... 'nuff said. It's really quite amazing what the wing-beats of a moth sound like as it bashes them against a sensitive PZM microphone!
Christmas time is here! from Adam Bodkin
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998
I have two.
2: I heard this from the drummer in the Police Band. There was some great club drummer in the 60's (I'm not sure of his name) who was well known for catching any joke with a drum roll and a crash. On one gig, a rather well known singer was performing on stage. Half way through a tune, he suffered a heart attack. The drummer in his clubby way rolled the singer all the way to the floor, and ended with a crash as the guy collapsed. Every band member stopped to help the singer, except the drummer who decided it was an opportune moment for a drum solo. He accompanied the medics as they arrived and caught every bit of the action on his drums! Would be twice as funny except the singer actually died, but I wouldn't mind going out with a crash like that!
I had to share this with all of you from Michele D. Hirt
Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience. Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!"
Here's another from Michele D. Hirt
Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998
YOU MIGHT BE A "MUSIC THEORY GEEK" IF...
...you like polytonal music because, hey, the more keys the merrier.
...you dream in four parts.
...you only drink fifths, and then you laugh at the pun.
...instead of counting sheep, you count sequences.
...you only sing tunes that make good fugal subjects.
...Moussorgsky's "Hopak" gives you nightmares.
...you can answer your phone with a tonal or a real answer.
...you suspiciously check all the music you hear for dangling sevenths.
...you have composed variations on a theme by Anton Webern.
...you have trained your dog to jump through a flaming circle of fifths.
...you have a poster of Allen Forte in your room.
...you know who Allen Forte is.
...you wonder why there aren't more types of seventh chords.
...you wish you had twelve fingers.
...you always make sure to invert your counterpoint , just in case.
...you know dirty acronyms for the order of sharps.
...you consider all music written between 1750 and 1920 to be "rather elementary."
...you memorize dates and times by what they would sound like in set theory.
...you got more than half of the jokes in this list.
Comments on modern music from Jonathan West
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998
OK, I'll tell the story (again, perhaps)
When I was a postgrad student at the Royal College of Music in London, one of the professors strongly held the opinion that no potential professional musician should go through college without having played some "modern" music. Like the music or loathe it, I think he had a good general point, in that musicians owe it to the composer to give a new piece the best possible performance, and to be appropriately trained to do so.
Anyway, one term, he managed to arrange for the college symphony orchestra to play Stockhausen's Carré. The word, as I'm sure those of you who did French at school already know, means "squared". This was a square piece, for 4 orchestras, positioned in the 4 corners of the hall. The conductors stood right in the corners facing inwards so they could see each other and coordinate the beat, and the orchestras faced outwards each towards their own conductor, with the audience in the middle. Each orchestra was a couple of desks of each of the strings, a varied selection of woodwind & brass, an 8-voice chamber choir, and pretty much a full symphonic percussion section. Maybe a keyboard or two thrown in for good & useless measure.
The piece hadn't been performed in London for 35 years. We soon discovered why. I can honestly say that this is the only piece I have ever played, where I couldn't actually tell, for the entire duration of the music, whether I was playing the right notes or not. The singers had tuning forks more or less permanently to their ears to try and pitch their notes. There were really no cues you could take from the players around you.
The students rapidly took a fairly lighthearted approach to rehearsals, to the annoyance of the professors. There was a harpsichord player in the 4th orchestra, who rapidly cottoned on to the fact that nobody could hear her over the percussion, and practised Bach throughout the rehearsals. She was never found out. (Later she became my wife. Unfortunately this means that we can never enter a restaurant and say "Darling, they're playing our tune!", because it doesn't have any.)
We all assumed that nobody would want to come & hear this junk, even though RCM concerts were free for the public. We were astonished when we filed into the hall for the concert, to find the place absolutely packed, with people standing in the gallery.
We later discovered that someone had publicised the concert, and because it was so long since the piece had been played in London, all the atonal music junkies had come to hear it. (In London, there are just enough such people to fill a medium sized concert hall, if they all turn up on the same night.)
Anyway, all went fine in the performance, we made a raucous din for about 30 minutes. The problem came towards the end. The conductor of the 4th orchestra got lost, and out of time with the other three. As a result, in the 4th orchestra, we finished about 30 seconds early. Nobody noticed. We got a standing ovation and a rave review from the Times music critic.
I have never believed a critic's opinion of a concert since. Nor have I believed anyone who tells me I ought to like & understand Stockhausen or any composer of a similar nature.
An Insult for Everybody from A Christopher Hall
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999
Musician jokes (in score order)
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
What's the definition of a minor second?
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
What is "perfect pitch?"
What's the definition of a nerd?
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist
What's the range of a tuba?
What's a tuba for?
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
How long does a harp stay in tune?
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
What do violists use for birth control?
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the
Why are violins smaller than violas?
What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.
How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
How can you tell when a soprano is at your door?
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
Where's a tenor's resonance?
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
What's the definition of a male quartet?
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
What's the definition of an optimist?
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's the definition of a gentleman?
What's the definition of an optimist?
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
An Insult for Everybody from Neeraj Mathur
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999
And everybody's favourite horn joke:
A lady went out one night with a tuba player. When she returned, her roommate asked her, "Well, how was his kissing?" She replied, "With those huge, slobbering slabs of meat, yuck! It wsa just gross!" The next night she went out with a trumpet player. Her roommate asked the same question, with the reply: "It was no fun at all, with those tight, tiny little lips!" On the third night she was the guest of a horn player. "Well, how was his kissing?" "His kissing was okay, but I loved the way he held me!"
An Insult for Everybody from Jonathan West
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999
Here's a few more
What do you call a girl who thinks only of classical music?
A man is stopped by police, on suspicion of drunken driving. The policeman
says "You'll have to blow into this breathalyser".
Karajan, Klemperer and Toscanini were talking one day. Apropos of nothing in
particular, Klemperer said "I am the greatest conductor the world has ever
A musician, when he died, was put on the back desk of the second violins of
the Heavenly Symphony Orchestra. During a break in rehearsal he turned to
his partner & asked "I've not had a chance to read any reviews of this
orchestra recently. What's it like?"
Any violinist who has remained on the back desk of an orchestra for more than 20 years, must have found the perfect brand of soap to rub on his bow.
What's the difference between a bad conductor and a bouquet garni?
A woman asked the advice of Sir Thomas Beecham. She wanted her son to learn
an instrument, but couldn't bear the purgatory of the early stages of
practice. Which instrument did he recommend?
Beecham passed a grave where the headstone inscription was "Here lies a fine
musician and a great organist"
An Insult for Everybody from CDEX
Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999
This story might not be an insult to 'everybody' -- just to selected bodies. I don't remember where I heard it, but it was supposedly from some "true" tales from the Met . . .
There's the Faust scene in which Faust and Mephistopheles descend into Hades, just before the ballet sequence. Presumably Mephistopheles wants to show Faust the good side of the tracks, as an inducement.
During the '20s the Met staged this transition with a trapdoor, through which Mephisto was lowered down below the stage. To hide the transition, the stage crew pumped smoke and red lighting upward through the trapdoor as it was lowered. The idea was to have the devil apparently disappear from the stage, downward, with effect.
During one performance, unfortunately the trapdoor stuck. It had been lowered partway with the devil on it, and then the mechanism became frozen solid. It would not budge.
The stage crew worked feverishly to free the works, all the while continuing to pump smoke and red light upward through the trapdoor hole. The unfortunate basso hacked and coughed. Finally the crew became aware of the devil's plight and ceased pumping. The smoke cleared, revealing the devil still standing there.
Literally, the devil was knee deep into Hades. He was peering down through the trapdoor, puzzled. He was unsure whether to jump down the rest of the way, or to try to crawl back upward onto the stage.
Naturally the music could go no further. The orchestra was silent; the conducter's arms folded patiently in waiting. Among the audience there ensued that uncomfortable moment when everyone realizes that something has gone wrong -- and want to be respectful if possible -- and not to laugh if possible -- you know the feeling.
Just then (so the story goes), a voice cried out from the balcony:
"Thank God!! I'm saved!! Hell's full !"
Teach Me! from CDEX
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999
A radio station in a rural town had been broadcasting mostly pop music, and decided to do a "culture hour" with classical music. The DJ had no prior exposure to the music, and was naturally unfamiliar with the names of the composers. In the first evening's broadcast, he announced the next piece as the Ave Maria, by "Bach-Gounod" (just calling out the two names together).
A listener called in by telephone, letting the DJ know that, in fact, the composer wasn't someone with two names. The caller explained how the hyphen indicated that the piece was written by Bach, and arranged by Gounod. The DJ thanked the caller for the information.
After the piece ended, the DJ announced to his audience: "A correction on the composer's name. I mentioned that it was 'written by Bach-Gounod'. Of course I should have said, 'written by Bach, and arranged by Gounod'. Thanks to our caller for correcting me."
.... The next piece was: Scheherazade.
A Bit of Fun from Richard Woodroffe
Date: Wed, 14 Apr 1999
Here are a few limericks :- Enjoy ....
"A limerick writer, I'm not -
A young Aussie singer called Hilda
On Verdi, Giuseppe, I'm keen,
Said Handel: "Please don't call me Herr-
It's hard to play harp, and no doubt,
The world loves a violin, of course;
There was a young girl called Felicity,
There was a young lad in the choir,
A Bit of fun from Fred Nachbaur
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999
A composer named Wolfie Mozart
Now there's a challenge... from Jason Walker
Date: Sat, 22 Jul 2000
Well actually it's not. Unless anyone really wants to.
I've just found the text that Donald Francis Tovey set for an exam in three part counterpoint in Edinburgh university. Thought that it might collectively amuse.
There was a young lady from Rio,
Test Answers from Carl Fritsche (Jazzman)
Date: Tue, 23 May 2000
Jeffrey Showell, DMA
Test Answers from Robert Lim
Missed my favourite one which goes:
Musical Quotes from Carl
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2000
Musical Quotes (With many thanks to Gayle Shaw Hutton)
Gayle Shaw Hutton
Director of Development
The Gow School
South Wales, NY 14139
ghutton@worldnet dot att dot net
Musical Quotes from Yves Grasset
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2000
Musical Quotes from Ertugrul iNANÇ
Date: Thu, 20 Jul 2000
(From O. Karolyi's "Introducing Modern Music")
Musical Quotes from CDEX
Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000
There's this gem from Aaron Copland:
Musical Quotes from Jason Walker
Date: Sat, 22 Jul 2000
Most of these are from "Scorn with extra bile", by M Parris. Hope you enjoy them.
An excellent source of musical quotes is "The Wordsworth Dictionary of Musical Quotations" Compiled by Derek Watson, Published by Wordsworth (for well under £5) ISBN 1 85326 327 3 Jason.
Musical Quotes from peanutjake
Date: Sat, 22 Jul 2000
Musical Quotes from Yves Grasset
Date: Sun, 23 Jul 2000
Musical Quotes from CDEX
Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000
Calls to mind the (probably apocryphal) story of the wealthy man, a wannabe conductor, who bought himself an orchestra for exercising what he thought was his conducting talent.
In spite of his riches and desires for conducting, he was, well, sorely challenged in his lack of knowledge both of the instruments and in reading the conductor's score.
He conducted several agonizing sessions. The musicians suffered through tries at various works, in which the poor conductor flubbed tempi, cues and entrances. There was absolutely no contact with the poor fellow, neither in the eyes nor in the baton.
Finally the tension broke. The tympanist was the first to lose his cool. In one ppp passage for strings, he let go with a thunderous THUMP on one of the drums, in an ultimate expression of exasperation.
The conductor stopped, tapped his baton on the stand for silence, and asked: "WHO DID THAT?".
Some handy hints from Jason Walker
Date: Mon, 4 Sep 2000
A Choral Singer's Guide to Keeping the Conductor in Line
Musical Quotes from CDEX
Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2000
Here is yet another ... Fritz Kreisler had gotten into a bit of a rub with the Internal Revenue Service about an overdue tax payment.
His wife was quoted as remarking:
... "Ah, that man! He knows nothing about money. All he knows how to do is fiddle, fiddle, fiddle!"
A Personal View Of Music from CDEX
Date: Thu, 21 Sep 2000
There was also Teddy Roosevelt's response when asked what music he liked best:
"I know only two tunes. One of them is 'Yankee Doodle' and the other one isn't."
More quotes from Fred Nachbaur
Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000
Found on rec.music.compose:
These little gems were recently forwarded to me by one of the New Zealand Symphony Orchestra's regular visiting conductors:
INSTRUCTIONS TO THE ORCHESTRA FROM PROFESSIONAL CONDUCTORS (IN REHEARSAL)
"Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato."
"Play short, especially if vou don't know where you are."
"There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them."
"Play faster. It's getting late."
"Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up."
"Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, there's no time for existential questions right now."
"Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion."
"Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do."
"Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear'"
"Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo way."
"It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like that."
"You know, there's a fine line between artistry and shit. Not that what you're doing is shit, but it's close to it."
"That was a drive-by viola solo."
"The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26."
"Now forget all the nasty things I said and play naturally."
"You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I."
"Play as if you were musicians."
My 1.5 cents.
Guest conductor to group rehearsing "Spring" from the 4 Seasons" "No! No! No! This is VIVALDI, not WAGNER!"
(Heard this on Public Radio, 1985-ish. Don't know if they ever got it right.)
Arrangement of a Bach choral from Peter Edwards
Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2001
(In reply to an NWC version of 4'33" posted by Ertugrul iNANÇ
But don't you find the performance awfully flat? Surely you should capture more of the contrapuntal nature of the various lines of silence with their stunning accelerando to the final Stretto, taken, contrastingly, larghamento. ;-)
From Chris Hall
Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2001
On the contrary, it's very calm and relaxing just as it is. |->
From Warren Porter
Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2001
I saw a published piece of music in our choir's library named "Resting" which spelled that out. It was "Dedicated to tired choristers and conductors everywhere." The piece was SATB and contained a number of tempo changes, repeated phrases, dynamic changes, and a descant. There wasn't one note in the whole piece, simply a collection of different length rests for each part, even the solo parts. The copyright notice discouraged public performance without permission though.
From Geoff Walker
Date: Wed, 10 Jan 2001
They are probably worried they will infringe the copyright on 4'33" :-)
Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country and Western Musicians from Ertugrul iNANC
Date: Thu, 3 May 2001
Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians:
Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps.
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend.
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle."
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you.
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but...
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see.
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car.
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses.
Cut Time -- Parole.
Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of.
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Doritos."
Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing son.
12-Tone Scale -- The thing the state police weigh your tractor-trailer truck with.
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul.
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone.
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
Cymbal -- What they use on deer crossing signs so you know what to sight in your pistol.
First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's apple pie.
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
From Warren Porter
fermata - what happens to grape juice when it turns into wine
Bass - fish that you catch with a lure.
coda- something you talk in when you don't want others to know what you're saying.
Andante - one of them Eye-talian sports cars.
subito piano - a piano made in Japan
Allegro - the new medicine my Doctor gave me for my sinus problem.
Acapella --- That town in mexico whar folks sing without no gitfiddles!
Vivace--that Italian that wrote the Four Seasons and all those other concertoes
Concertina--Tina Du Bois, the famous pianist
Slur--how you talk after too long at the honkytonk
Pizzicato--part of a Papa John's restaurant
I Solisti Veneti--weather vane for the sun, not the wind
Berliner Philharmoniker--Philip's mouth organ
Concertgebouw--what a musician does afterwards
opera--that talk show host from Chicago...doesn't like beef
Handel--how you hold the jug
Haydn--runnin' from the revenuers
ballet--what them folks in Florida cain't figger out
Beat- how you feel after you've been out plowing all day
Baritone- what we done to ol' Tony our watch dog, after he got run over by that tractor
musical scales- them annoying scales that make music,
treble - what yore gonna be in if'n you trespass on my property!
oboe - you know, that joint in d'middle of yore arm
tuba - a tube of this or that; tuba toothpaste, tuba biscuits
euphonium - telling somebody to call a male. ex. I ain't a callin' yore deadbeat brother. Euphonium!
piccolo - gathering things that grow near the ground.
ex. You cain't pick them berries like you do apples. You hafta piccolo!
half-step: how you walk when you're drunk
Soprano- a famous Eye-talian movie star...Soprano
pizzicato - A violinist with a couple of bottles of wine inside him
sotto voce - a drunk, singing
al gore - former second fiddle - no brass
Obbligato - being forced to practice
Rit. and/or Rall - coming up to the bit you HAVEN'T practiced
Largo - brewed in Germany
Rubato - ointment for the musician's back
Quaver - feeling before a lesson when you haven't practiced
Flats - English apartments
Trill - bird food
Subdominant - "I can't play until I've asked my wife"
Andante: Often found with Uncle.
Atonal Music: Music with no notes, e.g. John Cage's 4'33"
Beat music: As played by policemen.
Bossa Nuova: The new Guv'ner.
Double Bass: Hind quarters of over weight person.
French Horns: Found in pairs on Charolez cows.
Hebrides Overture: Refers to role reversal at wedding ceremonies.
Larghetto: Part of city where Lager drinkers congregate.
Metronome: Little man with a pointed hat found on the Paris Subway.
Overture: Head of quality control at a chewing gum factory.
Pitch Bend: White lines painted on a football field by a drunken groundsman.
Rock Music: As played in the Stone Age.
Serial Music: Written to accompany TV commercials for cornflakes.
Tuba: An instrument so low that they have to dig 'em out of the ground.
Twelve Tone Music: Music printed in a dozen different colours.
Violin: A nasty hotel.
Top C: Name of a famous soprano.
Oboe: A tramp.
Fugue: That which occurs in a crowded concert hall with no ventilation and smoking is permitted.
Semibreve: All that one can do in the above circumstances.
Xylophone: A wooden mobile.
Tonic: That which goes with gin.
Dominant seventh: Exemplified by " after being happily married on 6 previous occasions, this time he struck unlucky"
Offenbach: Woof, woof,woof,woof, woof, woof, woof, woof woof, woof, woof ...
oboi - expression of delight, as in a small child getting candy
moderato - antonym of rocker erato
mephistopheles - evil mosquito
Faust - had one too many margaritas
Date: Mon, 10 Dec 2001
Sixth Graders View Ancient History
The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Don't Shoot the Messenger from Fred Nachbaur
Date: Sat, 7th Sep 2002
From my beloved daughter...
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb? from Ertugrul iNANC
Date: Thu, 16 Dec 2004
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?
Borrow a Trombone? - Lawrie Pardy
Date: Tue, 7th Mar 2011
Bob: "When did you get that trombone?"
Pocketknife? - Bill Ashworth
Date: Tue, 7th Mar 2011
Reminds me of the tale of the man who gave his neighbor's kid a pocket knife for Christmas, and then asked him if he'd ever wondered what was inside his new drum....
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